An amazingly insightful, fun interview with Paul Colaianni – the Masta Podcasta of The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast. Paul gives tangible, wise advise and thoughts on how you can find freedom and strength in vulnerability. He has an incredibly successful podcast that I highly suggest you tune into on iTunes to his episode on Empowerment through Vulnerability
Paul Colaianni’s popular ebook, Clear The Path To Happiness: Powerful, Practical Steps To Become Happier, Feel Better, And Enjoy Living can be found on Amazon.com. I highly recommend his book!
The Overwhelmed Brain Self-Discovery Series of eBooks is designed to help you build your emotional core from the inside out. From protecting your personal boundaries and honoring your values and morals, to creating breakthroughs and releasing negative emotions. Learn to create the life you want with practical steps to your peace and well-being.
You deserve to be happy, and I create the show and these eBooks to help you realize just how amazing you are. If you’re tired of being told to “think positively!”, and just want someone to hand you the key to unlock your full potential, it’s time to start your journey to your healing and growth now!
Please visit Paul Colaianni’s website for more information The Overwhelmed Brain
Interview Transcript Below Downloadable Transcript PDF
Strength in Vulnerability – Jade interviews Paul Colaianni
Author of Clear the Path to Happiness
Jade: Welcome to the Jade Inspiration ‘Right on Baby Podcast – The Inner Growth Show’ Episode number one.This show focuses on you and your wellbeing from the inside out. Moving forward with courage and an amazing attitude knowing every moment in your life is transformative. So let’s kick it up and bust out of your comfort zone.
Hello everybody. Jade here with Jade Inspiration and I’m so excited to present to you a recorded interview I had with a ‘Masta Podcasta’ Paul Colaianni with ‘The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast’. He has a wildly successful podcast, and he gives extremely wise and tangible advice on how to live a happier and more stress free life.
This conversation I…that your about to hear that I had with Paul Colaianni was just absolutely amazing. We were basically just chatting, and we were supposed to talk about what we were going to talk about on his… on this interview, but we just went into a conversation. So that’s where you are going to start, as far as, when the recording begins, and you start to listen. And it’s really… ha. He has an amazing story he has a lot of great advice and I even shared some of my own life experiences with him. And he… he is just such a giving, giving individual, and very nonjudgmental. And I just absolutely love him. He’s been a wonderful, wonderful support for me in podcasting, and… and my couching too. He’s really taught me a lot. So here is the interview, and I know you are going to enjoy it, and get to know Paul Colaianni from ‘The Overwhelmed Brain podcast’, so check into his podcast as soon as you can, because he’s really amazing. So here we go.
You really have gone through some pretty vulnerable times in your life.
Paul Colaianni: Well it’s funny because I think that the best security guy, let’s get… get a security guy for example someone who can maybe set up the security at your bank if you own a bank and you went out to get a security guy that will tell you all the exploits and everything that could be wrong or how a criminal could exploit your system. The best security guy has to go to a prison ha-ha and find… and find the people who actually broke into banks.
Jade: Oh yeah
Paul Colaianni: Because they know, they think differently. So when I became this coach sort of host guy I started drawing upon my own experiences, because I realized that’s where… that’s where the knowledge is that’s where the wisdom is, and you know, reading books and everything like that is… is great and it’s motivational and it gives you different angles to look at things, but really all the resources that we need are in our past. That is how I see things, that’s so… that’s what I mean so like when you said I had all this breakthroughs and I went through all this stuff. You know, we’ve all had our own problems. We’ve all had our issues to deal with. But when we start drawing on our own past to help teach others what we’ve gone through it also helps with our own healing. Which is why I just love doing this, because every show I do is my own personal growth.
Jade: I can really relate to that, in fact, in my own life all of the trauma and drama I’ve been through have been the most growth oriented experiences of my life, even…even though they were painful at the time, they were no fun at the time, but it really made me reach for better to find out ‘well, you know life is too short to feel like crap’ You know. I want to find out how to make my inner world feel good. You know and that… and that’s where we really expand and we reach out. And that’s what you did, I mean you went and you were certified in many different modalities neurolinguistics, hypnosis, you know, brain sciences I mean that’s hahaha that’s amazing and it and it all really shows in your podcast ‘The Overwhelmed Brain’ I mean it’s just… I can even express to you what a difference your podcast has had on my life.
Paul Colaianni: On your life, wow.
Jade: I, oh, are you kidding me?
Paul Colaianni: hahahahaha
Jade: I mean not only do I love your voice, but what you say hahahaha
Paul Colaianni: Go on. hahaha
Jade: What you say… oh go on… hahaha… but I mean no really the wisdom you impart and the way you do it is just very genuine. And… and I think that’s why I wanted to get into really touch on that topic of, you know, vulnerability and transparency and just really… it really shows that you are really living through your authentic self. You’re not faking it you’re not pretending to be anything except for ‘hey this is what I went through this is what I learned, this is what I was feeling and this is my suggestion for you’.
Paul Colaianni: There is no other way to be. I think vulnerability is the best, most powerful place you can draw from and also live from. When you’re… you’re vulnerable you are opening a straight path to your core self and when you do that people notice it. People can tell that your being vulnerable people tell, I mean, how often have you seen, well maybe not often, but I’ve seen people on stage who are really nervous. They get on stage and they never done this before and you immediately feel compassion for that person. I mean people who are on stage who are nervous they have this limited belief system that says you know if I mess up people I going to look down on me, but I bet you 98% of the audience is going ‘ah that…that poor person you know I feel I feel bad for them’ they open their heart.
Jade: Hahaha exactly, exactly and I think that comes through you know just embracing the good and the bad about ourselves you know and that’s what I try to impart on everybody I meet. You… you know even my clients, but the same time I… I sometimes can struggle too you know because we do want to make sure that we are authentic, but at the same time we… we don’t want people to think we’re dorks. But I… the thing… no… I mean, I already know I am a dork. In fact, I love being a dork, I kind of like being off.
Jade: You know, and and and and I appreciate that about myself, because it’s ok, you know, and I think with being vulnerable sometimes for me in… in fact let’s… let’s talk about what… what vulnerability… or what… feeling or being vulnerable really means.
Paul Colaianni: Sure.
Jade: I mean.
Paul Colaianni: Really.
Jade: Yeah. What is that?
Well, I can give you how I define it.
Jade: Yes, please.
Being vulnerable means allowing someone in so close that there’s a chance that they can hurt you. Like we have walls up a lot of the time. A lot of us have walls up most of the time, and that blocks people from seeing the real us, because if we show the real us the real me to the world then we are in a place that people could look down upon us or make fun of us or say ‘oh that’s the real you.’ And then…
We feel inferior, so vulnerability is a place where your heart is the most open and you can let people in really close that could do, you know, people feel like they can do damage, because they are so close. Like, a good example is when you are in a relationship were you really really love someone, I mean, your both are just so much in love.
You’re allowed to be vulnerable with that person, because you feel the most safe. And when you feel the most safe with someone you can tell them your darkest secrets. You can tell them… you can tell them anything you want, and you’ll feel safe knowing that they’re not going to judge you, look down upon you, or just they’re not going to do anything that puts you down in any way. And that allows you to open up your heart so much to be the person you want to be, and I think that’s the true definition of venerability. Is when you can be the person that you want to show the world, not the one you’re afraid that the world will see, but the one you really just want to be. Then that all… that… that’s how I… that’s what I consider vulnerability. That’s what people can connect with and… and everyday people are connecting with the most vulnerable part of ourselves, but we hide a lot of our aspects. So, they connect with the deep part of ourselves, but we show them… I don’t know how to explain it… we show them the most… more surface aspects of ourselves so they don’t see everything about us. And I… I… if I just finish that off, I think when we do that we are sort of doing a disservice to ourselves, because we’re not showing the world our potential. We are not showing thee world our authentic genuine self and when that happens, we get tired showing the world our surface self. I hope that breaks it down a little bit.
Jade: Well definitely. Absolutely, and I think, you know, as you and I had discussed before about what the topic would be today, you know, strength in your vulnerability or being vulnerable from a… from a spot of strength. Is that what… I believe that’s what you said.
I believe that…
I believe that vulnerability is your most powerful place… your…, because what happens when someone gets into your vulnerable place there’s nowhere else to go, so once you connect to somebody from that vulnerable place, there’s just… there’s no higher place to be, because you are at the end, your… you’re at the threshold of who you are you’re at your core. So, once you get to your core, there’s really…god it’s so hard to explain, I never had to explain it this way… once you’re at your core… once you are connecting with somebody at your core, what that does is open them up to connect with you from their core. And when that happens, that is a strong place to be. That is a powerful place to be. And it’s hard for someone to look down at you or make you feel inferior, when you have the strength to present yourself to the world from the most vulnerable place.
Jade: Wow. And I believe, you know, through your story, I was reading about your story and you had some relationship issues, your had some breakdowns through them, but you grew from that point. Tell us a little about your stories, and what you gained from it, as far as, being who you are today.
That’s… I think we all have stories. My…
Paul Colaianni: My story is…I grew up in an alcoholic household, so my stepfather was, I mean, drunk every day , he didn’t know what was going happen, and….and you just…as a child I was cowering in fear, I was just fearful every day. And what happens when that… when you’re in that scenario is you develop survival techniques. So, I developed these survival techniques, and when I finally moved out of the house I was a late… late bloomer. I was twenty. Ha-ha
Paul Colaianni: When I moved out of the house, at twenty, and eventually got a girlfriend, and moved in with her, I took these childhood survival techniques, which is really dysfunction and I took this dysfunction into my adult relationships, and not just only romantic relationships, but a lot of, you know, platonic friendships, as well. But, when I did that, eventually my relationships would fail. So, one of my stories is I was in a thirteen year relationship with this girl, and was going along great but the last few years just started to die off. She started to fall out of love with me, and it was because I had this childhood dysfunction in my relationship, and… and I wasn’t able to present my real self, my true self to her, because as a child, I wasn’t able to present my true self to my alcoholic parent, because if I presented my true self, I would’ve evoked the alcoholic behavior from my stepfather, so I learned to be a to be a chameleon, learned to figure out what behavior evoked him and what behavior didn’t. So, I learned how to respond to my world, and be the person I believed they needed me to be. So, take that into a relationship, and now I’m being the person that I believe my partner wants me to be, and never showing my true self. So, if you’re…imagine you’re with somebody, who never shows their true self. They’re still… I was still kind and genuine as I could be, but I never showed who I really was, and they couldn’t figure out what it was about me that they… Just they couldn’t get a good vibe on me. They couldn’t get a good reading on me, like, ‘who are you?’ So, I kind of had this… a disactive mask I was wearing to the world, long story short, the relationship… thirteen year relationship ended, because she just started falling out of love with me, but she didn’t know why. And it was because she could not connect, and this goes back to the core, she could not connect to that core part of me, that most vulnerable part of me, because I hated to show it. I was so afraid to show it, and that’s the… that’s the part that especially your loved ones want to connect with most. And I built these barriers, and became the chameleon, and I just did…I just had behavior that caused her to question. Like, ‘who is this person?’ So, that ended, and then I have another story were I can get into it’s just my… my marriage, and how it pretty much ended the same way. Ha
Jade: Wow, your marriage. How long were you married for?
Paul Colaianni: I was married for about four and a half years.
Jade: And by then, what were you like? Were you in touch with your venerable self yet? Or were you still trying to figure out, you know, ‘what’s going on and how do I make this relationship work?’ Or…
Paul Colaianni: Yeah.
Jade: You know.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah. After my thirteen year relationship, I went into a pretty moderate depression because I had a… a highly codependent nature about me, I was very clingy. And… because I needed someone else to be happy in my life, which is a very unhealthy place to be. So, about six months after my thirteen year relationship ended, I started looking for someone to complete me, I guess I could say, and that’s an unhealthy place to be. You should be complete before you get into a relationship. Ha-ha
Jade: Right, exactly, exactly. yeah.
Paul Colaianni: So I… I found a woman on e-harmony, I went onto an online dating site, and we got along great, and everything was perfect, and I was still depressed, but everything else was perfect.
Jade: Ha-ha, oh no, oh no. So, you were bringing the past into your present.
Jade: And… Oh wow.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah
Jade: Yes. We all do that by the way. Ahahahaha. That’s something we… we learn how to… to get through and grow from. So, and from there what did you do with that relationship? When you realized, and I guess she realized you were also still depressed?
Paul Colaianni: Yeah, that was a pretty wild time, because when we were first getting to know each other, I remember I was depressed one day, and if you’ve never experienced depression, it’s basically the lack of any emotion. You just feel numb to the world. And when you’re numb, you’re just kind of like you don’t care about things. It’s like you just want to lie in bed all day, or whatever. You just don’t want to do anything, so imagine me bringing that into a relationship with a woman who’s got a lot of high energy and passion. ahahaha
Jade: Oh wow.
Paul Colaianni: And so she’s like ‘what’s wrong? And I was like ‘I don’t know, I’m still… I’m just depressed, I don’t know why.’ And she goes ‘you know…’ this was one night, she goes ‘you know, I don’t think I can handle this. I don’t think I want this in my life.’ I was like ‘what do you mean? What are you saying?’
Paul Colaianni: ‘I think I’m going to go back home you know wait until you’re okay again.’ And something snapped inside of me. It wasn’t anger, it was like something snapped I’m like… I was like so impacted by that statement that it shocked my nervous system and I snapped out of my depression and I… I finally said ‘I know what the problem is. I hate my stepfather so much I could…’ you know, I just started crying. I said, and I yelled, I said ‘I hate my stepfather’
Paul Colaianni: And I burst into tears, I just burst into tears. I was crying on her knees, and that was the first step towards healing and getting out of my depression, because I believe depression is this huge suppression of emotions, it’s a repression of thought, and a suppression of emotions, and the… the longer I stuffed them down there, the harder it was to express them. So, when she shocked… what I call shocked my nervous system that day, and I burst into tears, and expressed all this hatred that I never knew I had towards my stepfather, that was the first step out of my depression. And she goes ‘oh my god, you’re finally expressing something real, those were the first steps I took towards being authentic and vulnerable.
Jade: Wow. So, that was the first time you realized that you still had these… this anger towards your stepfather, and you didn’t know it or didn’t realize it until this one experience?
Paul Colaianni: Well, I didn’t know I had any hatred towards him. I just…
Paul Colaianni: When I was one that was when my mom got married to my stepfather, so I grew up thinking that an alcoholic person in your home was normal. So, I grew up loving this, and even though it was dysfunctional, you know how it goes, I mean…
Jade: Oh yeah. We think… we think… we grow up thinking our dysfunctional family life is normal, because we don’t know any better. We don’t know anything else.
Paul Colaianni: Exactly. So I… I realized that I had loved a person who I probably should have avoided, and stayed away from, but I did my best as a kid, I just developed some dysfunction behaviors, but when I took that into my next big relationship, my marriage that I’m talking about now, it finally came out, because this was… this was a moment where she was going to leave me, this was a big, huge loss in my life, and when that snapped in my brain, I was like ‘there’s something… something’s got to give, something’s got to bust out of my head now, because I’ve been dealing with this way too long’, and like I said, I don’t know what it was, some neuroassociations going in there… going on in there, and I just realized how much I’d hated him, at the time, and I had gone all my life not hating. And I had thought that hating someone was wrong. So, not only did I not hate him, but I also suppressed all those emotions that… that hating, because hating was wrong, and as soon as… and as soon as I realized that I hated him so much, it made it okay to express those emotions. It was a huge, huge step for me, as soon as I realized it was okay to express hatred, I suddenly loved him from a new place. I didn’t want him in my life, I didn’t care about him anymore, and I didn’t think about him anymore. So it… he became just another human being on earth that I could love, as a soul, a spirit or whatever, and… but not having anything to do with anymore. So, he was no longer a thought in my mind. It just… I just let him go. I hated him for the… for… for that few minutes, and all that anger, all that expression, came out and it was released, it was huge.
Jade: You know, I can really relate to that, only because, you know, within my own childhood, and… and… we really don’t come from a place of blame. You know, we’re not blaming anybody, but we are taking responsibility now…
Paul Colaianni: Right.
Jade: For… for how we are feeling, and what we are believing, and… and how we want to view life. And, and for me in my life, you know, it was, you know, I was a precocious little girl, and I… I was… yeah… I was precocious. I was curious. I was active. I was… I wanted to know everything. I got into everything, and I… I expressed love and joy, and I cracked jokes all the time, but… but… but it… it seemed like, because, you know, growing up, as an… an American Chinese girl, to very traditional Chinese parents, it wasn’t acceptable for a little girl to be expressive, you know, to… to have a voice, or to, you know, to be… to have an opinion, for god sakes. Oh please, don’t, right. So, it was kind of like that generation gap, that little battle. And eventually I realized, or I felt that it was not acceptable to shine.
Paul Colaianni: Oh wow. Ouch.
Jade: It was not… right, exactly… and so, I would hide, because… so that nobody could notice me, so that I wouldn’t get negative feedback, or get, you know, rejected, or get, you know, the kind of, you know, judgment that I would get from my childhood, and it doesn’t mean my parents were really bad, because they tried the best they could, with what they believed, and I respect that, but into my adulthood, I really had to come face to face with the fact that I was just hiding myself, and it was… it really was destroying my spirit, because instead of being my authentic self, like you were talking about, your have to release the blocks before you can really embrace your brightness, you know, so that you could alleviate the lie, and really look at the truths, that we are… we are beautiful as our authentic selves and being vulnerable really just means that you are who you are, and you’re beautiful. That’s my take on it.
Paul Colaianni: Right
Jade: Because when you… yes… when you look from your deepest authenticity, nothing can hurt you, because you’re just magnificent.
Paul Colaianni: I think it does involve being absolutely comfortable with who you are, and if you can… you can grasp on to that, and… and don’t worry so much about everyone else’s opinion of the social norm, that you can really, like you said, shine. You could really grab onto that vulnerable place, that authentic self, and show the world who you really are. Now it doesn’t mean you just flip out a start smashing windows. And…
Paul Colaianni: And just like, ‘this is me’
Paul Colaianni: But I think that most of us who we really are is a good person down inside, they are very compassionate, that when we do finally show our authentic self, that we want to help people, we want to help other people shine. We want to make other people’s lives better. It’s just, I think intrinsic in us that we want to do that. When we can grasp onto who were are, and then embrace who were are, then we take that into relationships, people really see it. People just, they… they resonate with it. ‘Wow. You’re just an authentic person. I just love being around you. You’re not afraid to say what’s on your mind. ‘Or just, the way you behave, when you’re being authentic is totally different than the way you behave when you are presenting a different person to the world. And I truly believe when people are more authentic, that they succeed in almost everything they do. They just… they put their authentic self forward, and become successful in every endeavor, and even if they fail, it’s part of the process. They just know that this failure leads to a success. That’s how I’ve seen it ever since… ever since that day I cried about my stepfather I realized that wow, being authentic is like freeing, it’s releasing, it’s… it just gives me these wonderful happy feelings, just to be able to express things, and you know, be a little vulnerable, like what we were talking about.
Jade: And that’s okay. That’s one of those right on baby things that I would definitely, definitely give you, because when you really come from a spot inside of you, and you… and you go through life with your intentions, and your authentic self, and you’re not trying to be somebody else, you’ll automatically live a life that… that is what you were meant, or created to do. And I see that in… in… in your podcast, because you have a wildly successful podcast ‘The Overwhelmed Brain’, okay, and I got to tell you, before we got on… on… online here to talk today, I was kind of nervous, I would go out and, you know, ‘This is Paul…Can… Can..en if…Cala… Calee…’ hahaha
Paul Colaianni: Cala…caliente
Jade: Cale… hahaha
Paul Colaianni: ha-ha
Paul Colaianni: It’s Colaianni.
Jade: Ca… Ca… Colaianni.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah.
Jade: I apologize for that.
Paul Colaianni: That’s okay.
Jade: That’s my… my… little nervous tick there, and…
Paul Colaianni: That’s good.
Jade: I mean, if this is vulnerability at its best. I got to tell you. But, you know, I was definitely very nervous, and I… I so appreciate your time today, because just what you created on your podcast, so… and that’s you being you authentic self on your podcast, which has, do you believe, to be the impetus of your success?
Paul Colaianni: Success. That’s a good word. I think that people, they hear me, and they go ‘Wow. He’s just saying anything that comes to his mind’, and it’s not really like that, but I’m… I’m really…
Paul Colaianni: Saying things. I’m really saying things that are my truth, and when I’m able to, I mean, I was just talking about this yesterday with someone, is when you come out as… when you tell people the truth, this is hard to put into words, because it’s just so deep. When you… when you come to the world, presenting your truth, you don’t even think about it, you just… it just happens and when I talk about crying, you know, a lot of guys can’t talk about crying, they don’t want to cry, they’re being told not to cry and… but, like yeah I cry all the time, I cry during movies, it’s like I’m just sensitive, or I don’t know what it is, but I’m just… I’m a… it’s okay for me to cry.
Paul Colaianni: But, to answer your question I think like we were talking about earlier when you present your vulnerability to the world it allows other people to open up themselves to you. So as soon as I opened up my heart and opened up all my stories all my history with no fear, then people go wow I want to be that way too. And they open up in themselves because I have received emails from people who just ….they’ll just tell me their life story in the email and then at the end of the email, saying I never told anyone this.
Paul Colaianni: See that’s… that’s worth it right there. if somebody can express themselves, because I am expressing myself that is so powerful, that is so attractive to so many people because so many people hide from the world and someone they can open up to the world they feel much better and I think they noticing that when they listen to my show, because I do open up to the world. I open up to the entire world like over a hundred countries, a hundred and twenty countries that are listening to the show, not that I’m trying to spout numbers or anything.
Paul Colaianni: It sounded bad, I’m sorry. But…
Jade: No, no, no.
Paul Colaianni: But the whole world, we all act, we all respond to things very similarly, and a lot of us grow up with a lot of blocks we’re told not to do stuff, we’re told not to feel certain ways, we’re not… we’re told not to imagine certain things and I got on the air and say ‘hey it’s okay to feel this way it’s okay to hate if you have to. It’s okay to…’ you know, I know were not supposed to blame people but, if it… if blaming someone expresses that repressed or suppressed emotion then do it, and then you come back to that homeostatic state of ‘Aah, I’ve released everything. Now I don’t feel blameful , now I don’t feel hateful’, it’s like you have to reach the precipice, the threshold and go over it in order to get that breakthrough and I noticed that with my show I… I tend to reach that precipice, and tell people ‘hey, you know what? All that stuff you were told not to do all your life, do it’. hahaha
Jade: hahaha. You know. Yeah. Yeah. I can… ahaha… Yeah. I can… I connect with them so so much, and, you know, I still kind of struggle you know with you know being ok with my bright light. Because you know I’m very much authentic with my dearest friends you know like of course like Michael Hsu you know, ‘Heal From the Ground Up’, widely successful podcast, but also my friends you know and my family ‘I’m just Jade. Here I am.’ you know. So every day I mean just doing this podcast is putting myself out there, you know creating a website is putting myself out there, and so I just continue to, you know, to work at it you know and work at it. But as far as advice from you in regards to how do we you know how do we find that… that dark spot so that we can express it and… and, release it.
Paul Colaianni: I think the… if you are talking about what prevents you from feeling happy, maybe? Hahaha.
Jade: Yes, that’s a good way of putting it. Right.
Paul Colaianni: I’ve been doing this awhile, I know… Hahaha
Paul Colaianni: I know those dark spots, believe me. Hahaha
Paul Colaianni: What I tell people to do and it’s really easy, is you… you really need to just ask yourself. ‘What do I need?’ Whenever you feel anything but happy or fulfill or satisfied. Just stop and ask yourself. ‘What do I need? If I had the magic pill in my hand…’ not that I’m recommending pills, but I hahaha
Paul Colaianni: Just a virtual pill, imaginary. ‘If I had the magic pill in my hand that would solve all my problems, or at least make me happy, what would it be?’ And when I do that, I do that with myself still, I’ll be driving down the road, and I’ll be like ‘God, why do I feel sad, I don’t even know why I feel sad, I just feel sad’ And then I’ll go ‘okay…’ I’ll stop in my mind and I’ll go ‘What do I need? If I had the magic pill in my hand, what would I… what would it be? What would it do for me?’ and then I’ll go ‘God, you know what I really need, I need sleep.’ And then low and behold the feeling of sadness goes away, even though I still need sleep. It’s the emotion that went away. And so the very first step is asking yourself ‘what do I need?’, and then when you get to that point, then you can take another step into… or towards what you need.
Jade: Okay, so… so, what if I asked that question, and the only thing that comes up in my head is ‘I need a Snicker bar.’ haha
Paul Colaianni: Ha-ha Right.
Jade: Ha-ha. You know or you know, ‘I just need to, your know, forgive myself, for what I did the other day’
Paul Colaianni: Good. Good question…
Jade: You know, or just… or… I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it is…I don’t know what it is…
Paul Colaianni: Let’s get the snicker bar first. Let’s do the Snickers bar first.
Jade: Let’s do the Snickers bar
Jade: So, I love that, because you… you know because in the moment you can change what’s going on with you by just asking yourself.
Paul Colaianni: Well.
Paul Colaianni: I do want to address the Snicker bar. The Snicker bar is a good… a good example of… covering … ha-ha. I told you I wasn’t going to let you erase that.
Jade: Thank you. Coaching session. Coaching session.
Paul Colaianni: Oh many
Paul Colaianni: What happens is we usually look for something to cure or resolve the symptom, so… so the Snicker bar is going to take care a symptoms, my symptom might be, I’ve got these emotions coming up, and I know if I eat sugar that it’ll hide the emotions, it will stuff them back down, so that Snicker bar is going to be really helpful right now. So, my next question is ‘okay, why do I need the Snicker bar? What… what is causing these emotions that want me to?’ you may not even know that deep, but the good question is ‘Why do I need this snicker bar?’ Well you may came up with ‘because I feel jittery I’m sad’ or you know, all these bad emotions then you get into the emotions, like ‘okay what’s causing me to feel sad? What’s causing me to feel jittery? What’s…’ you always want to know what’s causing… it’s a great question for yourself ‘what is causing the emotions I’m feeling?’ and then If you find out what the cause is, you go ‘okay what’s causing that’, and then you start digging deeper and deeper
Jade: Wow, let me… let me try that. So instead of reaching… reaching for the Snicker bar, keep asking myself the questions.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah, ask ‘Why… why do you want the Snicker bar?’
Jade: Right. Well, any… any excuse will do when it comes to a Snicker bar, actually. Hahaha you know what I mean. But no I definitely you know, what… getting to the core of what my needs are, is what’s really important here. So, that I… yeah…
Paul Colaianni: I think that it’s so important, because a lot of people stop at the Snickers bar they just stop they stop thinking, they stop digging because the Snickers bar is going to take care of the symptoms. And we all know what eating a Snickers bar every time we have symptoms will do to us.
Jade: Hahaha, yes make me gain weight I really don’t want to. Oh my goodness but as… you know, one of your podcasts was about how your emotions affect your body…
Paul Colaianni: Yes
Jade: I mean, I… I… I… we’re just going to do a little switcheroonie…
Paul Colaianni: Yeah
Jade: Of the topic, but, you know, let’s do… I’d love you to expound on that, I mean, that was a wonderful episode.
Paul Colaianni: I think that’s… I don’t know if that’s a popular belief, but I truly believe it because I can prove it and I did this in the podcast, is well first explained emotions especially negative emotions but positive ones as well emotions affect how your body operates. and Emotions can slow us down emotions can speed us up but if you have for example emotion of anger for example I had a lot of anger in my marriage and it was from old anger really old anger but every time I got triggered in my marriage my anger would manifest itself in my stomach and I would feel it in my stomach and we… we feel emotions.
Paul Colaianni: Emotions… emotions are feelings in our body. So this anger would manifest in my stomach and create acid so my emotions created or manifested a physiological change in my body now that is fascinating because if you start realizing that all your emotions are affecting your body in some way what else is going on in your body that you can’t feel you know what if, and I hate to say this, and I’m not really saying this, that cancer is caused by some emotional repression? What if these lifelong illnesses are things that just pop up out of nowhere? and go how did I get this you know even if they don’t… aren’t the real cause they absolutely exacerbate our body’s functions, so that’s why I say when you get mad or sad you can feel it in your stomach, or your chest, or your body tightens up our mind and body are connected absolutely and emotions affect the physiological operation of our body, and just a quick example if you still not believe me is pretend your biting into the most sour pickle.
Paul Colaianni: That you can think of
Paul Colaianni: Sour sour and you tell me if your mouth isn’t salivating by thinking about that and…
Jade: Right, right. Ha-ha
Paul Colaianni: And it’s a great example of a physiological response to just a thought, it’s really not even an emotion. It’s like a thought. Your thoughts are affecting your body, so you can tell I’m a big believer in this. Ha-ha.
Jade: Well, absolutely. I mean I’m going to go back to the moment right before we got on… got on talking here today is you know I could feel my heart rate going I mean my heart rate was just… just going ‘oh my god Paul Colaianni oh my god oh my god oh my god ‘ we’re going…’ right ? So, I mean and that’s just a thought, you know.
Paul Colaianni: Yes
Jade: You know.
Paul Colaianni: Yes, good example.
Jade: Yeah, and so we just kind of have to work through … wor… work through it should I say and breathe, do my breathing exercises…hahaha
Paul Colaianni: Yes, absolutely. Just like another example we talked about getting on stage, people their…
Jade: Oh yes
Paul Colaianni: Their hearts beats, and they’re ‘ugh, I got to go over there and I’m going to be judged and ugh.’ Just thoughts that are just creating these bodily responses because our… our body wants to react, it wants to respond it thinks is it dangerous especially with negative emotions our body thinks there’s a danger and… and when it does… like it did with me it creates acid, it… it burned and hole, in fact it practically burned a hole in my stomach I had to go the doctor. Stress does that, and stress comes from emotions. Thoughts and things like that, so I had physiological problems that went away, once I got rid of my emotions… or the repressed emotions that I had. I’ve… I’ve had… I’ve watched people heal. I’ve seen someone with a lifelong yeast infection. it went away after talking for a couple hours. Because she was able to express something that she’d held in for so long. I am not making any doctor claims here, because I don’t have a degree, but I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen it over and over again. Where people that have these lifelong issues and they just disappear and it’s because they, again I am not saying because, but its I’ve seen it correlate with what they’ve worked on in themselves and expressed and released very, very deep suppressed emotions.
Jade: Wow, and… And you know you bring up a thought for me you know on a personal level. About 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with a hyper thyroid, so that means my thyroid was over active. So, my, you know, everything in my body was on overdrive, so I was exhausted all the time. And I went to go see a holistic pra… holistic practitioner and it happens to be Michael Hsu. And he referred me to a book by Louise Hay, ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ and it pinpoints in that book that a hyper thyroid is a symptom of not expressing yourself. There’s something you’re not expressing, so your thyroid, which is right on top of your vocal cords. Haha, right on your throat. Really signified ‘hey it’s time to… to make a change here.’ You know.
Paul Colaianni: Wow, and did you?
Jade: And… yeah absolutely. In fact, you know, through my podcast, through my coaching, through talking to friends, and you know there’s therapy and more and more ways of healing and expressing like you were taking about. My thyroid is now under control, you know, it’s just… it’s copacetic, you know, it’s an amazing, amazing, you know, emotional thought body connection.
Paul Colaianni: It’s truly amazing. I still get surprised when I hear about this, because people are taking drugs going to doctor and I don’t… you know, I don’t encourage you to not to do that but I definitely encourage along with that finding those deep rooted deeply suppressed emotions and releasing them and it does… it does take a process of digging and accepting the thoughts that come up, even if they don’t seem real. And what I mean by that is, sometimes you dig for… for… for reasons that you feel sad or angry or anything negative and then these thoughts will come up and you go ‘well that can’t be the reason.’ And I love looking into those, because those can’t be the reasons. Usually…
Jade: Ha-ha. Are the reasons.
Paul Colaianni: They usually have been deeper seeded thins or… or they’ll say ‘well…’ they won’t… they won’t believe that that’s the reason or they’ll say that ‘that…’ where was… where was I going with that… ‘that can’t… that can’t be it, because I’m not supposed to hate’ or ‘my mom would never do that ‘or ‘my dad would never do that’ or ‘my uncle’ or, you know, so on and so forth. They start not believing what is in their deepest recesses in their mind, but even if that stuff isn’t true, even if you had a thought that you know ‘it can’t be true’, but if maybe if I thought ‘geez, I was abducted by aliens when I was ten…’
Paul Colaianni: You know, even if you think that’s impossible go with it see where it takes you. Because our… our mind creates these scenarios and stories for protection. So we might have this crazy thought that comes up. It might not be crazy. Who knows?
Paul Colaianni: And if its just a story that surrounds an even deeper, an even deeper truth. So I recommend letting the… the flow of thoughts come up don’t resist let them come out and fully… fully express yourself.
Absolutely, and I think… I mean, what’s your advice on…and you know, I know what my thoughts are, but what’s your advice on… you know, sometimes we’re afraid to go that deep into our feelings, or emotions or thoughts and you know, those things like ‘yeah but if I allow myself to go deep and find out the root or the cause of my pain. I’ll be depressed the whole time, I’ll feel the pain. I’ll go back and…’ your know, so that’s why sometimes you know, you’ve heard of people going through life unconsciously, because they don’t want to go that deep, to heal…. to heal and be aware of, you know, those… those pain and anger that they need to release. So, how did…what’s your advice on, you know, not being afraid to go that deep just be okay with it and and know what how how did you do it I mean how do you do it what would you say?
Paul Colaianni: I would say this… this going to be the hardest to follow advice that I’ve ever given and that is to amplify the pain to the point where you have a breakdown and the reason I say that is because of something I went through it was a very enlightening almost mystical moment and I’ve told the story many times in my own show is when my car broke down in Flagstaff, Arizona. And I was a thousand miles from home. And I was starting to have a panic attacks I was starting to having huge anxiety and it got worse and it got worse because, I started to realize that I was going to lose all of my stuff, I have a lot of stuff in my car, I was just… I’d travelled with everything. And my car broke down, and I didn’t have any money to get home, and it was just a big ordeal, and this… the anxiety and the panic, I’ve never had a panic attack before this, it just… it just started kicking in and it got to the point where I just popped. I mean, I let the anxiety and the panic ramp up so much or inside something popped… something broke through. And as soon as that happened, all my suffering ended. All of it. I was able to let go of attachments I let… I left… I kept my car there and all my stuff. And was able… I actually sold it… I sold my car and all my stuff in it for $200 bucks, just to get home on a bus, and I happily let it go. And that was the day that I figured out that a breakthrough… this break down actually… this break down both of my car and of my my mind was…
Paul Colaianni: Was the break through that leads to a path of peace so you have to let your suffering get worse sometimes. Sometimes you… there’s other ways to do it, but if you cannot just get to that point where it gets worse and worse and worse, then you are not going hit that…that threshold were suffering ends. Because, suffering ends after you amplify, to the point where it gets so bad that it finally releases. You just have to get it bad enough so it releases. What people do though is, they are afraid to let it get worse and ‘because I don’t want to feel any more pain so what I’ll do instead is I’ll live with the pain I have for the next fifty years, instead of… instead of feeling this really really really bad pain for the next hour and a half where I bust through it and go ‘ahh’ because really… it really… what it comes down to, is getting to the point where you say ‘That’s it. I can’t take it anymore’ you know where that point you get to when you go ‘that’s it…’
Jade: Yup yup
Paul Colaianni: ‘…nothing is going to stop me now. I don’t care. I don’t care. This is how is going to be’ when you get to that point’ I don’t care. This is how is going to be’ then you got control back, you got that… not control, control is an illusion. Haha but you’ve got…
Jade: Right right
Paul Colaianni: You’ve got that level of… there’s no more of the worrying and the stress you had over that particular subject in your life.
Jade: Just one… yeah it actually makes sense. One moment..
Paul Colaianni: You bet.
Jade: I need to do something really quick here. Okay. Okay, you know I… I… I can certainly relate to that. In fact I’m trying to remember what I was going to say.
Paul Colaianni: Ha-ha
Jade: I… when it happened and… I would like to apologize Paul. For some reason my…
Paul Colaianni: We haven’t recorded a single thing have we?
Jade: Yes, we did actually record at least thirty four minutes.
Paul Colaianni: Hahaha that’s great
Jade: But I don’t yeah
Paul Colaianni: I’ve got the whole thing recorded.
Jade: Oh thank you because I don’t know because it suddenly stopped doing the countdown but it shows that it was continuing to record.
Paul Colaianni: Oh well that’s great
Jade: And I’m going ‘Are you kidding me? This is Paul Colaianni!’
Paul Colaianni: ‘The Paul Colaianni’
Jade: While you talking and in going ‘Oh I think I’m just going to shoot myself now’
Paul Colaianni: We should leave this in, actually. In the show.
Jade: And it all I know hahaha absolutely, and in fact… and so now I can’t even remember what I was going to say. But okay now I remember…
Okay good oh yeah
Jade: (Jade Growling} Okay I’m expressing myself, expressing myself
Paul Colaianni: right right
Jade: It’s very important. Very important
Paul Colaianni: True vulnerability
Jade: Hahaha. But to get back on the subject. I see how I forgot it again.
Paul Colaianni: Hahaha
Jade: Doo doo. Oh Yes, yes, yes. It it really does make sense that change… a person decides to change when the pain of changing is less than the pain of enduring.
Paul Colaianni: Let me think about that one. ‘A person decides to change when the pain of changing is less than the pain…’ yeah, yeah. That’s when the decision will come. I personally like it when, you don’t have a choice. I personally like it when, the odds are so stacked against you, that you’re forced to feel the worst of the worst, the worst case scenario. I love that because when it happens it’s so… it happens so much faster. I’d rather do it in a day than ten years you know, give me all the pain you can, make it… I always say ‘bring it on.’ That’s a great way to face pain. ‘Hey you know what, bring it on make it worse.’ Can I tell you a quick story?
Paul Colaianni: I had nightmares for a while, for about two years. I would just go to bed every night having nightmares and then I would wake up sweaty and anxious. I would have a…an anxious day because I had anxiety throughout the night. Almost every night. So for about two years I had these nightmares. I was like ‘ugh’, I was getting sick of it. I was getting to that threshold. I was getting to that precipice of I am getting sick of this. So one day I decided, ‘you know what the hell? You know, tonight I’m going to… tonight I want to have the absolute worst nightmares that I could possibly have’. I actually asked for it. I said ‘send it, send me the worst possible thing’. I’ll make it out… I’ll make it into a horror movie in my brain. Just let’s do this. Let’s bring it on, I said, bring it on. Make it the worst possible nightmare I could possibly have and so I went to bed that night and then I woke up in the morning and I said I had no nightmares. I was like ‘Where were they?’ and then from that point on I never had any nightmares anymore. That was it. They were gone. I asked for the worst possible nightmare. I was ready to go over the edge and then from that point on I never had nightmares again. And I might of had one a year for some weird thing that went into my subconscious mind but it was gone. I was ready to take it. I said ‘bring it on!’ and it truly… it truly brought me over the threshold. So that’s why I say a good attitude of bring it on, amplify the pain, make it as bad as it can get, and then suddenly it isn’t so bad. It just, it might even disappear.
Jade: Yes, yeah, yes, yes. I relate… I relate to that in my life too. Only because I have a story. I was dating a gentleman for about six months and I realized, and this is in my thirties, and I realized that he was suffering from depression and he really had a lot of bi-polar characteristics, shall I say.
Paul Colaianni: You had a lot of stuff to deal with there.
Jade: Yeah, stuff to deal with and so I broke up with him and he tried to get us back together. Of course I said no and I found him, you know I came home one day and I found him trying to get into my house.
Paul Colaianni: ‘sighs’ You’re kidding?
Jade: In the backyard, yeah. He tried to get into the window he ended up forcing me into the house and he was actually having a psychotic episode because, yeah, he had alcohol… alcohol and antidepressants, yeah. He was a depressed alcoholic taking medication and the combination puts you in a psychotic state. So for the next six or seven hours he terrorized me and he almost killed me, to make a long story short. You know, so, you know.
Paul Colaianni: Wow… You just bypassed an entire awesome story you gotta tell one day.
Jade: Oh my goodness, yeah.
Paul Colaianni: ‘laughing’ You just went straight from point A to point Z! It was just the whole thing.
Jade: Well, I, you know, the podcast is only so long, you know.
Paul Colaianni: I know, I know.
Jade: But definitely we’ll talk about it the next time you come back on.
Paul Colaianni: Aaahhh.. There you go. I’ll be there.
Jade: Awesome… So, what happened was next I… was finally able to get him out of the house that night so the next day I left the house because I didn’t want him to come back, right? and try to kill me again so I left the house and sat in my car in a parking lot and in those moments, I was saying to myself I mean precisely this, either I’m gonna let this experience make me stronger or I’m gonna let it shove me under a rock.
Paul Colaianni: Mmmhmm… Good.
Jade: I said I’m gonna let this make me stronger, you know, so immediately I started therapy. My oldest brother Earl took me out of the house and gave me a place to stay and so it began. My healing began, you know, and it took a lot because I was dealing with guilt, dealing with my own responsibilities in the situation, I was dealing with all kinds of things and so I reported him to the authorities because I did not want him to perpetrate this on anybody else. And the officers picked him up. And he got out on bail the next day and he was supposed to be arraigned the next morning and his father found him that morning dead at home. He had committed suicide by an overdose.
Paul Colaianni: Ok, yeah.
Jade: An overdose of alcohol and antidepressants. And so it was even more astonishing what tremendous, left-over emotional baggage for me to really release and let go. And I really did a lot of work. And I continue to today from that event, you know, realizing, you know, there’s tremendous forgiveness, there’s letting go, and yes, I did… I did go into the deepest darkest parts of what was going on with me and release them, you know. And, you know, those emotions still come up every once in a while, you know. So, but I do know what they are, you know, I’m aware now.
Paul Colaianni: That’s tough when someone uses you as a scapegoat for their own dysfunction and they take away… they take away to leave their mark on you as the ultimate guilt trip and then they leave the world, you know what I’m saying? It’s unfair for you because that’s like a threat when someone is leaving a relationship. ‘If you leave me I’ll kill myself!’ It’s so dysfunctional. And it puts a guilt trip on us because we are compassionate people.
Paul Colaianni: We don’t want people to be hurt or… but it does take a lot of strength for someone to realize that it’s not… we are not the problem. We are not the cause. We just happen to be the scapegoat. And that’s what it sounds like happened to you. I’m sure you are dealing with it on a much deeper level than I just heard it for the first time.
Jade: Mmhmm, yeah, well it definitely was a growth oriented experience for me, no doubt about it, absolutely not, but at the same time he had actually attempted suicide a couple time before I had even met him.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah, if it wasn’t you it’d be someone else.
Jade: Yeah, I just happened to be there at the time.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah.
Jade: Yeah, you know, and that was another thing that I came to realize. And I think it really put me in a state of what do I need to get through this? And so I would ask the questions. I would find the resources. I would read the books and I would go to the doctors and do the therapy and do the coaching and it really helped me a lot. And that’s what challenges are for. Challenges are not supposed to just cause you pain. Challenges are supposed to put you in a position of learning.
Paul Colaianni: Yes.
Jade: You know and somehow finding the beauty in that dark spot like I’ve experienced and like you’ve experienced. I mean you really went through an amazing transformation too and we continue, I mean growing is an evolutionary lifetime thing and I love that. I love the fact that I’m not perfect but I’m just trying to be the best person that I can be and just continuing on that journey.
Paul Colaianni: And you’re embracing your imperfections which is my advice.
Jade: Yes! I love being imperfect! It’s ok!
Paul Colaianni: Hahaha
Jade: It’s ok! As long as… yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s a lot more fun to accept myself as a dorky, quirky, you know, imperfect person. ‘laughs’ It frees you up.
It’s very freeing. It is the best place to be when you can embrace your imperfections and know, this is awesome personal growth advice even though it’s the opposite of what you usually hear, know that you aren’t perfect. You aren’t perfect, your parents weren’t perfect so they couldn’t raise a perfect child. Those parents of those parents weren’t perfect. It’s just this line of imperfection. Your perfect being imperfect I think that’s where it comes down to.
Jade: Oh, definitely. And I love that. I love that note. Oh my goodness.
Paul Colaianni: Takes all the expectations away.
Jade: It does! It actually does. You know Paul, I could probably chat with you until the sun goes down. I mean, but..
Paul Colaianni: We still have so much more to talk about…
Jade: Yeah definitely. I definitely want to do this again with you. I think everybody would love to hear our conversations.
Paul Colaianni: Yeah, I would love to have you on…
Jade: We should bring Michael Hsu on and do a threesome or a threeway… Hahaha
Jade: Well that was a great conversation. I really enjoyed that talk with Paul. He’s truly amazing. I didn’t record our goodbyes and accidentally recorded on my webcam rather than my Yeti mic but i hope you enjoyed the talk and gathered some good information for your life as well. Now Paul’s podcast ‘The Overwhelmed Brain can be found on iTunes and Paul Colaianni, if it’s not already out, is coming out with a fantastic eBook. For more information on Paul, his eBook, podcast and more go to his website, theoverwhelmedbrain.com, where you will also find his contact information. Now thank you so much for joining me today and leave a comment or suggestion and even a question. I’d love to hear from you. Now this is Jade with Jade Inspiration — Right on baby! Let go, love yourself and love life. Until next time, remember, you are absolutely fabulous!